Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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