he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
