We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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