note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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