I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
