after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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