I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
