I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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