I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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