Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
