I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
