i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
