dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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