He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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