I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
