i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
