you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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