Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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