I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
