Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
