i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
