I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i was born a porn star she said
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
