Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
