highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
