I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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