I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
