I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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