is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
