Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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