the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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