I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
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How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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