Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
