Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize