I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
