Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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