Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
