Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
