I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You can't just leave with hair like that
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
