at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
