So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
