Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
