Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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