wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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