I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
