I CAN MOONWALK!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
