apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
