My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
