After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
