one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
