i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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