well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
