There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
