Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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