My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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