Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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