My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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