Already got asked if we're dating
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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